How would you improve this short story on change?
I have to do this assignment for my preliminary HSC (SAT equivalent for Americans).
The task is to create an engaging, well structured response that demonstrates a personal understanding of change. The word limit is 400 words. I’m at 434 below (within the 10%).
My work is below:
The key to change is to let go of fear. That’s what Robby, the No. 2 had always said. I was actually hoping otherwise, as the fear we were about to instil in the bank teller should hopefully lead us to a lot of change. Not the proverbial type.
I had hoped that my own fear would have subsided with the 3 hours of cool revision we did before time zero, but it had not. The only person experiencing something close to my angst was Robby. I had the most to lose. I mean we’d all get 25 to life if we were caught, but I had a wife and two kids. I’d even checked out the visiting times for Riker’s Island, the likely first destination after the bail hearing. Was this really the right decision, I mean did we really need the money? A moot question now, as everyone had their part. If we proceeded with the robbery at least I had a chance of not being incarcerated, as opposed to the certain death that the gang would impart on me for my cowardice. I tried to put my hesitations aside and focused on my aim. Cometh the hour, cometh the man, as they said.
All six of us went to the one teller. As we began a routine transaction I waited until the young lady had her hands out to hand me the money.
“Keep your hands up. I have a gun. Do not touch the silent alarm, or I will shoot you in the kneecap.”
We herded the compliant employees into a conference room where Robby supervised them, while the rest of us headed for the manager’s office. He had a shotgun, however bringing a receptionist as hostage quickly solved that problem.
“The vault.” I stated. The portly man grabbed his keys from the wall safe before descending down into the depths of the bank. After the iris and fingerprint scan we heard the loud clunks of the 25 cylindrical bolts being released from the door.
“This is your last chance to back out”, the manager said. “If you were to stop now you could get off free”. I was begging the others to listen to him, but there was no hope.
I stepped into the vault.
The hidden alarm was deafening.
A SWAT team was coming down the stairs. As I hit the ground with my hands up, I heard Robby’s voice issuing directions, and saw the motto on his police badge. The key to change is to let go of fear. But I was just beginning to contemplate the loss.